Coming Out.

I was recently thinking about when I came out. I always told people I came out on facebook to my parents with just “I’m gay’, that isn’t untrue but it was a bit more in depth than just those two words. I actually wrote a massive message to my parents, I was really scared of being rejected by the two people I loved most in the world. I didn’t want to be seen differently to the person I was and still am regardless of my sexual orientation. I just knew I had to tell them because keeping this secret from them was slowly eating me up from the inside. I had told my friends the year before in 2012 and instantly felt a lot better about it; I can’t explain the relief I felt telling someone else my secret and the feeling I felt when they accepted me. As one of friends put it “I’d have been more surprised if you were telling us you were straight to be honest.” Telling my parents was a bit different, if my friends rejected me I could’ve made more but if my parents rejected me I couldn’t.

I have written this because over the last few years I have watched, experienced and heard the abuse, the rejection and the isolation people like me have to put up with. I have watched as politicians debate if people like me are deserving of the same basic human rights as they are. I have listened to heterosexual people tell me that people like me don’t need pride and we are just rubbing it in their faces, ironically the same people ask me what is the point of pride? They don’t think we should have pride but are so ignorant that they can’t even educate themselves before they make such a statement. I have had to listen to questions from people who have asked me “why did you choose to be gay?”. I have sat in a room with a group of heterosexual people as they debate if I should be allowed to marry the person I fall in love with and then be told “you lot can’t expect everything.”I don’t expect everything just the same rights as everyone else. I’ve also been asked to share my experiences of homophobia then been told by a heterosexual lady that I have upset and offended people and that I should edit my answer using less offensive words. You can’t ask for reality and lived experience and then have the audacity to tell the person who has shared their reality and lived experience that their reality and lived experience is too offensive; what you do by doing that is disregard them as a human being.

I wish I didn’t have to come out but until people are just accepted for who they are and we focus less on who someone is having consensual sex with or what is their pants we will need to keep coming out and we will carry on needing pride.

I wanted to be the ‘normal’ guy with the good job and the nice house but mostly I wanted to be the guy with the wife and kids – the so called ‘normal’ guy and I was scared that if I told my parents that I wasn’t going to be that guy they would reject me, after all in my head I thought who would want a gay son? Of course I can still have all that swapping the wife for a husband obviously but at the time my only thought was would my parents want me.

Before I came out, I hated the idea of being attracted to men, I hated the fact that my crush when I was a teenage was Zac Efron from high school musical and I couldn’t say anything to anyone. I hated the fact I was attracted to the boys in school and not the girls. I spent my high school and college years wishing I could be the person I knew I was, but instead I tried everything to try and distract attention away from my own sexuality by saying others were gay. I wished I could be the gay guy I knew I was but I felt I needed to be the so called ‘normal’ guy I knew I actually wasn’t. It sucked.

In 2013 I went to Canada and that was when I met more people like me and by like me, I mean these were gay people my age, having gay people my age around was a massive comfort to me because suddenly I realised there were people like me out there – admittedly that sounds a bit naive of course there were people like me out there! But I had never had a friend who was gay and my age, so by having some, really meant the world to me. While preparing to go to Canada I decided to join a website I had heard about called plenty of fish I created the profile with my hometown down as Vancouver (that way no one in my hometown would know my secret), One of the guys I spoke too, is now one of my best friends in Canada and I love him an awful lot. We started speaking in the October of 2012 and Skyped a few times before I met him in person in January 2013. It was when I started talking to this guy I slowly became more comfortable with my own sexuality. Having someone just to talk too about normal stuff, who was like me was a massive help to me on my journey to accepting that I was gay.

When people ask me about how I came out; I just told them that I just sent my parents a facebook message with “I’m gay” and that was that before changing the subject because I felt silly because I think it is silly that I had to come out. However I did send my parents a facebook message but it was a lot more in depth and I can remember everything from the moment I wrote it and what I was doing and what I was drinking to the moment I saw they had read it to the phone call from my parents and grandma about how much they loved me. When I wrote the message my belly felt like I had been punched not just once but over and over again. I felt sick to the core. I was sitting up the kitchen table at the place where I lived with some chocolate milk I was sitting with this guy who was bizarrely trying to sleep with me by talking about the British Sunday roast, odd way of trying to seduce someone, I know. Anyway I generally thought my parents would be disappointed with me if I confirmed what they probably already knew. Here I was in Canada thousands of miles away from home and I had just come out to my parents on facebook – this wasn’t the way I was meant to have done this but I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to tell them face to face because I don’t like drama and I also didn’t want to see their faces drop when they heard that their oldest son wasn’t going to have the wife and kids I assumed they may have hoped he would.

I looked back at the messages I sent my parents on the 24th March 2013 (25th March 2013 UK time) and even after all these years, reading them back gave me an odd feeling, I haven’t read the messages since the day I sent them and reading them back today felt like I was that nineteen year old who was worried about being a disappointment to my parents all over again. This is some of the message:

‘I’ve been wanting to tell you for ages but never knew how, I told my friends last year but never wanted to disappoint you but you’re gonna find out sooner or later……I have no interest in girls at all, I’m gay. I spent years hating myself because of it but after I told my friends I realised that no one cares really and why should they I’m still the same person after all. I still want to do well in life and still want to have a family. I still want to do you proud and I will. xx’

I have never shared that with anyone; not even my best friends and I guess I worried what they would think and hate the fact I had to come out when if I was into girls I wouldn’t have had too, I always just said I messaged those two words and that was it but I figured that by sharing my story maybe someone else will read it and feel inspired to come out, I was inspired by things I read to come out and inspired by the people I met.

People ask me why I am so obsessed with Canada and I figure its because when I was in Vancouver I was able to be the person I felt I could never have been in the town I was born. I struggled with my identify for a long time, even after I came out I still struggled because all this was so new to me. Nothing will be more scary to me than coming out. It’s a sad reality that coming out to people is not only still a thing but still a thing that scares us and it scares us because of the unknown. Even if you are super confident the people you tell will be accepting, you can never be 100% sure and once you have revealed that bit of information about yourself, you can’t take it back and it’s out of your hands who the person you tell, then tells.

I have come along way since 2013. My coming out wasn’t perfect at all and maybe it could have been different but I’ve come along way since then. I’ve grown as a person since then. I’ve learned a lot of lessons and met a lot of people since I came out, its not always been easy but whatever has happened these last years nothing has been harder than coming out; I can’t wait for the day when people don’t have to come out but until that day comes I hope people realise that coming out takes a lot of courage, the biggest fear for me was being rejected so if someone tells you they are lgbt+ just hug them and tell them its okay. They only want to be accepted for who they are.

Advertisements

The Joys of OCD

I really hate the number of times people say they have OCD because they cleaned a cup or washed the side. I also really hate when people say someone has OCD because they are a bit clean.

THIS IS NOT WHAT OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER IS!

How do I know? Because I actually have OCD and it isn’t all about putting pens at an angle or putting a few DVDs or books in alphabetical order, it takes over your life. Imagine hearing a voice in your head telling you something bad is gonna happen because you didn’t hold the door handle ten times for ten seconds at a time. Imagine being convinced your dog will die if you don’t check his water twenty times a day by putting your finger in it for five seconds at a time.

Sometimes I will leave to go out somewhere and worry so much that my house is going to blow up because  I can’t remember if the cooker is off, even though I checked it ten times before I went out, that I will turn back and check it ten times then feel the urge to have to check everything in my house again then when I leave have to check the door handle ten times for ten seconds a time to make sure it really is shut because the voice in my hand is getting louder and louder telling me that something terrible is going to happen or that someone is watching my house ready to break in and kill my animals and take my stuff.

I’ve tried ignoring it – yes.

I am waiting for therapy – yes.

When I do something, and people who think they are comedy geniuses go and mess it up to get a reaction out of me really don’t understand the distress it is causing me – it’s not funny, it’s just nasty don’t be a cock.

There is a reason why I turn old photos round when I am eating, so just leave them turned around until I have finished eating, it’s not harming you, is it? Now I can imagine what you are thinking right now, old photos? Yes I turn them around when I am eating because if I don’t my food tastes different and I can’t eat it (yeah it’s not as funny as it sounds especially when some cock decides to be funny and turn the photo back around so I can see it.) These things you might find funny cause me distress.

I am continually checking things from being at home to being at work. I get so convinced something terrible will happen if I don’t check something a certain amount of times that it takes over my life. Add depression and anxiety with traits of autism to that and well life can be a fucking struggle.

I have everything I do in a calendar – if I don’t, I get worried something terrible is going to happen.

So yeah having OCD isn’t because you cleaned something or put something into a neat pile so stop saying you having OCD if you actually don’t it’s really offensive and you really aren’t as funny as you think you are when you say it, hun.

Loneliness

Here I sit in my house. The only noise is the traffic outside. I’m alone. Always alone.

Loneliness is here to sit with me, however, but just to remind me that I am not worthy, that people don’t actually care about someone like me.

I’ll go downstairs shortly the only sound will be my stairs creaking as I walk down them. I’ll look in my cupboard and make my tea the sound of pots banging will be the only sound, I might put on the radio for some extra noise.

I’ll eat my dinner in silence as I read the news, waiting for someone to knock on my door – it won’t happen. I will then finish my dinner and go back upstairs to lay on my bed – in silence.

I will leave the door to my room slightly open just in case someone knocks on the front door – they won’t but I will leave it open anyway just in case.

I will lay there on my bed looking at my ceiling.

Eventually, I will cry and wish I was dead.

Loneliness is the killer. The realisation that you aren’t that important to anyone is a painful one.

Love

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is the cruellest and most unfair thing you will ever experience. It’s like reaching for a star that you know you won’t ever be able to reach, but for some odd reason you don’t give up trying, because who knows one day it might just fall.

Hope is a good word to use here, but sometimes you fall into the deluded side of things – there is a fine line between hope and deluded.

I think I have done this thing where I convinced myself that if I felt a certain way then so must the other person – news flash – they don’t. Sure I am sad and disappointed by it, but I am not embarrassed because it’s true I am falling in love with this person I just wish they felt the same but oh well, what will be, will be.

 

 

Coward

I know the results of what will happen but yet the thoughts are more intrusive than ever.

I was happy, I’ve felt happy for a few weeks now and yet tonight I’ve changed.

The voice in my head tells me to do it, “you’re worthless” it says.

But am I? I tell myself, no, but the voices say I am.

I feel it.

People don’t like me, and why would they?

I have tried so hard to get people to like me, I have tried to make them realise how important they are.

I like people to feel special.

And yet I don’t feel that.

So maybe I should do it?

I don’t want to keep feeling like this.

The thoughts never really go, they are just less intrusive.

Why don’t people, worry about losing me, like I worry about losing them?

Maybe its time to go, maybe its time to close the curtains.

But I am too much of a coward to do that.

So I’ll carry on. Until I am not a coward.

 

Why are we so quick to judge? Maybe I should do drag and sissy that walk?

People tell us to be ourselves but then judge us for doing just that. Isn’t it weird? I’m not perfect, I do the same thing sometimes we all do, that doesn’t make us right.

I’ve always tried being something I’m not, in fear of rejection but nowadays I do my thing, and the people who like me for that are in my life and the others well they can fuck off to be perfectly honest.

Right now I am the happiest I have been for a long time which is quite remarkable when I think about the shit that has happened so far this year. So why am I happier now?

We have one life, do we spend that one life, worrying about what others will say? I don’t think so. It’s not easy to be different, we all just want to be accepted, so we try and fit into the nor, we are so quick to label ourselves or other people that we almost forget that we were all born unique, we are all individuals so we should embrace it not hide that.

I would love to do drag, I love drag race I want to ‘sissy that walk’ but I never did because I was worried about reactions from my family and friends but look if I want to put on a pair of high heels and sissy that fucking walk I will. This whole argument people use that dresses are for girls, and I am a boy so I shouldn’t do that because it will make some people ‘uncomfortable’, look fuck off. It’s not gonna hurt you. I guess I identify as a male, but if I want to put on a dress, high heels and a bit of makeup then go and lip sync for my life – I will. This is the problem with society we put people in boxes with labels on and then find it weird when people dare to be different. If I had a child, they could dress in what they want, and they could play with the toys they want because I don’t want to live in a world where people are scared to be whom they are meant to be, I want to live in a world where everyone can be what they like and not live in fear of what others will say.

I know some people judge me because I rock out to the mamma mia soundtrack in my kitchen and pretend to be Dolly Parton in the shower. If I want to listen to Frank Sinatra, Doris Day and Johnny Cash on the way to work – I fucking will. I don’t give a donkeys arse if it’s gay’ or if they are old fashioned, I’m the one paying £9:99 a month for apple music I will listen to whatever I fucking like.

I am so fascinated by how the mind works. I find sexuality such an interesting subject because it’s so much more than just heterosexual, bisexual and homosexual. I watch people and watch how they react to things I watch their body language, you can learn so much from people just by their body language. We are so shaped in our beliefs by the media, religion, public figures and even by how things are advertised which comes back to what I was saying about the labels we give each other.

I want it to change, I want to live in a world where we don’t judge anyone for being who they are and yet we continue to judge, I’m included in that I wish I didn’t but I do we all do, it’s such a shame because I honestly don’t really care what others do as long as it’s not hurting anyone, and let’s be honest if I did drag, what effect would it have on your life anyway? Who I date, doesn’t affect you. The music I listen too isn’t hurting you and yet here we are 2018 and I am still somewhat worried about lip syncing for my life on drag race.

Maybe I should remember that my future self is watching me right now through memories and well I want to make that person proud. Be yourself because that’s okay.

Why we need pride

Has anyone else heard them people who complain about not having a ‘straight’ people pride? Don’t they fuck you off?

Pride isn’t celebrated because us LGBT people want to rub it in your faces or because we just want to march around, no we celebrate pride because until we are all equal around the world, we need pride. When people can be who they are without fear of rejection or hatred pride won’t stop.

I spent years being ashamed of who I was when I shouldn’t have been ashamed of anything. I remember fearing rejection. I remember my stepdad at the time telling me I would die from HIV (he heard me on the phone) and that being the way I am, was wrong.

I know people who are gay but are ashamed of that, they are embarrassed, they think being told they ‘act straight’ or people being shocked when they find out they are gay is a compliment! A fucking compliment that you are ‘straight-acting!’ Fuck off. I don’t care what people think of me and why should I? Why should any of us be ashamed of who we are? But other people are ashamed of who they are, they are afraid of people finding out, and that’s what we are up against until each, and every one us can be happy with who we are like I am nowadays, we need pride. Until two people who love each other can walk down the street without the fear of being abused. We need pride. Until people stop being killed for who they are. We need pride. Until people have to stop with this having to ‘come out’ bullshit. We need pride. So please don’t tell me that ‘straight’ people need pride – because you don’t. Can we stop calling it ‘straight’ as well I hate that word, why do we have label people with terms like that? Like seriously fuck off.

I held a persons hand yesterday in public – I have never done that before because usually, the other person is worried about looks people will give us but it felt good and why shouldn’t it feel good?  I held this guys hand, and the fact they were comfortable enough to hold my hand in public meant a lot. I can’t explain it, but I felt like everyone else, I’m not one for public displays of affection but holding hands isn’t just a public display of affection for me its a statement that I am okay with who I am and so should everyone else be. If someone who is struggling with who they are, seeing two people hold hands that might help them accept themselves and surely that is a good thing?

In the UK we are lucky that we are a pretty accepting country but not everyone is okay with that and not every country is this acceptable, and until we change that, pride will carry on. We have come such a long way, and that’s incredible, I am lucky to be alive in the UK today, but that’s thanks to people who fought for people like me to be treated equally, so I feel I have to do my bit to make it better not only here but around the world.

I’m not going to label myself I will fall in love with whoever. We all deserve to be happy. We all deserve to live a life we are excited about. Don’t ever let others make you feel like you don’t deserve to be happy. You are who you are. I am who I am, and that’s okay.