The Joys of OCD

I really hate the number of times people say they have OCD because they cleaned a cup or washed the side. I also really hate when people say someone has OCD because they are a bit clean.

THIS IS NOT WHAT OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER IS!

How do I know? Because I actually have OCD and it isn’t all about putting pens at an angle or putting a few dvds or books in alphabetical order, it takes over your life. Imagine hearing a voice in your head telling you something bad is gonna happen because you didn’t hold the door handle ten times for ten seconds at a time. Imagine being convinced your dog will die if you don’t check his water twenty times a day by putting your finger in it for five seconds at a time.

Sometimes I will leave to go out somewhere and worry so much that my house is going to blow up because  I can’t remember if the cooker is off, even though I checked it ten times before I went out, that I will turn back and check it ten times then feel the urge to have to check everything in my house again then when I leave have to check the door handle ten times for ten seconds a time to make sure it really is shut because the voice in my hand is getting louder and louder telling me that something bad is going to happen or that someone is watching my house ready to break in and kill my animals and take my stuff.

I’ve tried ignoring it – yes.

I am waiting for therapy – yes.

When I do something and people who think they are comedy geniuses go and mess it up to get a reaction out of me really don’t understand the distress it is causing me – it’s not funny, it’s just nasty don’t be a cock.

There is a reason why I turn old photos round when I am eating, so just leave them turned around until I have finished eating, it’s not harming you, is it? Now I can imagine what you are thinking right now, old photos? Yes I turn them around when I am eating because if I don’t my food tastes different and I can’t eat it (yeah it’s not as funny as it sounds especially when some cock decides to be funny and turn the photo back around so I can see it.) These things you might find funny cause me distress.

I am constantly checking things from being at home to being at work. I get so convinced something bad will happen if I don’t check something a certain amount of times that it takes over my life. Add depression and anxiety with traits of autism to that and well life can be a fucking struggle.

I have everything I do in a calendar – if I don’t I get worried something bad is going to happen.

So yeah having OCD isn’t because you cleaned something or put something into a neat pile so stop saying you having OCD if you actually don’t it’s really offensive and you really aren’t as funny as you think you are when you say it hun.

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Loneliness

Here I sit in my house. The only noise is the traffic outside. I’m alone. Always alone.

Loneliness is here to sit with me, however, but just to remind me that I am not worthy, that people don’t actually care about someone like me.

I’ll go downstairs shortly the only sound will be my stairs creaking as I walk down them. I’ll look in my cupboard and make my tea the sound of pots banging will be the only sound, I might put on the radio for some extra noise.

I’ll eat my dinner in silence as I read the news, waiting for someone to knock on my door – it won’t happen. I will then finish my dinner and go back upstairs to lay on my bed – in silence.

I will leave the door to my room slightly open just in case someone knocks on the front door – they won’t but I will leave it open anyway just in case.

I will lay there on my bed looking at my ceiling.

Eventually, I will cry and wish I was dead.

Loneliness is the killer. The realisation that you aren’t that important to anyone is a painful one.

Love

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is the cruellest and most unfair thing you will ever experience. It’s like reaching for a star that you know you won’t ever be able to reach but for some odd reason you don’t give up trying, because who knows one day it might just fall.

Hope is a good word to use here but sometimes you fall into the deluded side of things – there is a fine line between hope and deluded.

I think I have done this thing where I convinced myself that if I felt a certain way then so must the other person – news flash – they don’t. Sure I am sad and disappointed by it but I am not embarrassed because its true I am falling in love with this person I just wish they felt the same but oh well, what will be, will be.

 

 

Coward

I know the results of what will happen but yet the thoughts are more intrusive than ever.

I was happy, I’ve felt happy for a few weeks now and yet tonight I’ve changed.

The voice in my head tells me to do it, “you’re worthless” it says.

But am I? I tell myself, no, but the voices say I am.

I feel it.

People don’t like me, and why would they?

I have tried so hard to get people to like me, I have tried to make them realise how important they are.

I like people to feel special.

And yet I don’t feel that.

So maybe I should do it?

I don’t want to keep feeling like this.

The thoughts never really go, they are just less intrusive.

Why don’t people, worry about losing me, like I worry about losing them?

Maybe its time to go, maybe its time to close the curtains.

But I am too much of a coward to do that.

So I’ll carry on. Until I am not a coward.

 

Why are we so quick to judge? Maybe I should do drag and sissy that walk?

People tell us to be ourselves but then judge us for doing just that. Isn’t it weird? I’m not perfect, I do the same thing sometimes we all do, that doesn’t make us right.

I’ve always tried being something I’m not, in fear of rejection but nowadays I do my thing and the people who like me for that are in my life and the others well they can fuck off to be perfectly honest.

Right now I am the happiest I have been for a long time which is quite remarkable when I think about the shit that has happened so far this year. So why am I happier now?

We have one life, do we spend that one life, worrying about what others will say? I don’t think so. It’s not easy to be different, we all just want to be accepted so we try and fit into the nor, we are so quick to label ourselves or other people that we almost forget that we were all born unique, we are all individuals so we should embrace it not hide that.

I would love to do drag, I love drag race I want to ‘sissy that walk’ but I never did because I was worried about reactions from my family and friends but look if I want to put on a pair of high heels and sissy that fucking walk I will. This whole argument people use that dresses are for girls and I am a boy so I shouldn’t do that because it will make some people ‘uncomfortable’, look fuck off. It’s not gonna hurt you. I guess I identify as a male but if I want to put on a dress, high heels and a bit of makeup then go and lip sync for my life – I will. This is the problem with society we put people in boxes with labels on and then find it weird when people dare to be different. If I had a child, they could dress in what they want, and they could play with the toys they want because I don’t want to live in a world where people are scared to be whom they are meant to be, I want to live in a world where everyone can be what they like and not live in fear of what others will say.

I know some people judge me because I rock out to the mamma mia soundtrack in my kitchen and pretend to be Dolly Parton in the shower. If I want to listen to Frank Sinatra, Doris Day and Johnny Cash on the way to work – I fucking will. I don’t give a donkeys arse if its ‘gay’ or if they are old fashioned I’m the one paying £9:99 a month for apple music I will listen to whatever I fucking like.

I am so fascinated by how the mind works. I find sexuality such an interesting subject because it’s so much more than just heterosexual, bisexual and homosexual. I watch people and watch how they react to things I watch their body language, you can learn so much from people just by their body language. We are so shaped in our beliefs by the media, religion, public figures and even by how things are advertised which comes back to what I was saying about the labels we give each other.

I want it to change, I want to live in a world where we don’t judge anyone for being who they are and yet we continue to judge, I’m included in that I wish I didn’t but I do we all do, it’s such a shame because I honestly don’t really care what others do as long as it’s not hurting anyone, and let’s be honest if I did drag, what effect would it have on your life anyway? Who I date, doesn’t affect you. The music I listen too isn’t hurting you and yet here we are 2018 and I am still somewhat worried about lip syncing for my life on drag race.

Maybe I should remember that my future self is watching me right now through memories and well I want to make that person proud. Be yourself because that’s okay.

Why we need pride

Has anyone else heard them people who complain about not having a ‘straight’ people pride? Don’t they fuck you off?

Pride isn’t celebrated because us LGBT people want to rub it in your faces or because we just want to march around, no we celebrate pride because until we are all equal around the world, we need pride. When people can be who they are without fear of rejection or hatred pride won’t stop.

I spent years being ashamed of who I was when I shouldn’t have been ashamed of anything. I remember fearing rejection. I remember my stepdad at the time telling me I would die from HIV (he heard me on the phone) and that being the way I am, was wrong.

I know people who are gay but are ashamed of that, they are embarrassed, they think being told they ‘act straight’ or people being shocked when they find out they are gay is a compliment! A fucking compliment that you are ‘straight-acting!’ Fuck off. I don’t care what people think of me and why should I? Why should any of us be ashamed of who we are? But other people are ashamed of who they are, they are afraid of people finding out and that’s what we are up against until each and every one us can be happy with who we are like I am nowadays, we need pride. Until two people who love each other can walk down the street without the fear of being abused. We need pride. Until people stop being killed for who they are. We need pride. Until people have to stop with this having to ‘come out’ bullshit. We need pride. So please don’t tell me that ‘straight’ people need a pride – because you don’t. Can we stop calling it ‘straight’ as well I hate that word, why do we have label people with terms like that? Like seriously fuck off.

I held a persons hand yesterday in public – I have never done that before because usually, the other person is worried about looks people will give us but it felt good and why shouldn’t it feel good?  I held this guys hand and the fact they were comfortable enough to hold my hand in public meant a lot. I can’t explain it but I felt like everyone else, I’m not one for public displays of affection but holding hands isn’t just a public display of affection for me its a statement that I am okay with who I am and so should everyone else be. If someone who is struggling with who they are, seeing two people hold hands that might help them accept themselves and surely that is a good thing?

In the UK we are lucky that we are a pretty accepting country but not everyone is okay with that and not every country is this accepting and until we change that, pride will carry on. We have come such a long way and that’s incredible, I am lucky to be alive in the UK today but that’s thanks to people who fought for people like me to be treated equally so I feel I have to do my bit to make it better not only here but around the world.

I’m not going to label myself I will fall in love with whoever. We all deserve to be happy. We all deserve to live a life we are excited about. Don’t ever let others make you feel like you don’t deserve to be happy. You are who you are. I am who I am and that’s okay.

Changes

It’s odd how feelings can change and these last few months my feelings have been changing almost daily. People I was close too, I barely speak too now and people I have just met are now close to me.

Feelings of anxiety, stress, depression, happiness, excitement, love and anger are mixing up inside me like some sort of toxic mixture. Things are changing so fast this year and it scares me, I can barely eat and keep still. My sleep isn’t great and I’m not sure what will happen in the future. I’m losing weight at a fast rate because I am just not hungry.

As we grow up we begin to become independent and that’s fine it happens but when you enter the year in a relationship with someone you care about so much, family at home, a job you enjoy and everything just going well, to then be dumped, mum gets boyfriend, cancer and moves out with partner, the person you spent all year with suddenly goes cold on you and you don’t know why,  your job goes through some big changes and suddenly you are facing the prospect of being alone in a three-bedroom house – for anyone that is a big change in just a few months and suddenly everything has changed so fast.

Not everything is bad, I have some of the most fantastic friends in the world, I have met someone new, who means a lot to me, my family are incredible, my mum is happy and my dad has been amazing so why am I feeling so unsettled? Life is weird, everything can change in a heartbeat and right now all this is the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I’m on a roller coaster traveling at 100 miles per hour and I don’t know when it will stop.